Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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