you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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