I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
