Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
