The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
