why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
