so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Tell her she can't have a vagina
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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