All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
