The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm sobbing to NWA
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
