I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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