do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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