if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
