you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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