There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
