We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
