I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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