also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
