Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
