what day is it and did you see me today?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
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