Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
