I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
