Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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