She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
