Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
