i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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