bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
