he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
