A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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