my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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