sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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