dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
