the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
