When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
