We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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