I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
