is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
