I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
