So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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