his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
