you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
The feeling are messing with the penis
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
