Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
