called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
