I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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