I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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