When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
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