it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
