The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Panties = found
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