On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Randomize
