I wish I could punch you in the face.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
