Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
