if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I need water and some morals
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
