i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
