Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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